Gratitude:UnFiltered w/ Special Guest Alli Covington

What's up everybody this is gratitude unfiltered before we get into all the show intros and everything else i have something to read i am absolutely apologetic today uh for being so late uh but one computer crashed and then the second computer uh for some.

Reason i had to push two different buttons get to get the audio to work so what are you gonna do life happens and here's the other thing i know for a fact the enemy did not want us to have this broadcast today but i'm too stubborn to quit so how many of you can.

Relate all right so i'm going to read this and we're going to get started but today is going to be a very special broadcast um ali has no clue what direction we're going to go i don't think anyway now this is going to be powerful you want to stick around but first things.

First from january 29th out of this amazing devotional book called new beginnings do everything without complaining or arguing philippians 2 14 the christian's life is a life of service and submission it may be that you are called to work among people in distress.

And that your calling is administration preaching or another form of service whatever it is it will demand that you sacrifice your time and yourself in the service of christ unfortunately many people have the habit of performing their task for christ with a negative attitude they will do their work and often do it.

Exceptionally well but they are unpleasant people with poor interpersonal relationships this spoils the quality of their deeds which should have been manifestations of compassion or mercy in the name of christ the result is that people hesitate to.

Approach them because of their attitude that they encounter you must always remember that whatever task you are assigned to do for jesus is to be done in his name and therefore your attitude will have a positive or negative influence on the christian faith.

To ensure that you reflect the glory and love of god in everything you do you must do it in the strength of the holy spirit follow the example of love compassion understanding and humility that christ set in his ministry in this way your discipleship and service will be.

Fruitful and effective and fulfill it fulfill its ultimate purpose to exalt god master and guide i newly dedicate myself and my strength to your service make me a joyful servant because i find joy in you ladies and gentlemen you guys are in for a really.

Really special gratitude unfiltered i am so honored to have our guest thank you guys so much for being here and i hope i do not knock my computer over i'm not trying to manifest that right now but you know i may just do that.

ladies and gentlemen welcome to live mana ministries presents gratitude unfiltered i'm so blessed to have you guys here today whether you're watching on social media.

Listening on the podcast listening on or watching on the live model worldwide multimedia broadcast network um i'm going to do a video soon to show you guys how you can actually watch this on tv i mean honestly you can go to the web browser livemona you can go.

Download the e360 tv app and find us on apple tv roku amazon fire um we are working on some fun fun fun things behind the scenes and uh with this network and god has been really really good um i got to be honest with you guys today i almost backed out of the broadcast not because of the frustration i'm just.

Getting live but our guest is a friend of mine who i got to tell you is one of the leading fitness expert fitness health experts wellness experts in the world like she's extraordinary she's this amazing technology that she's about to.

Unleash on the world that is absolutely going to revolutionize the fitness industry that's not why i almost backed out so ali and i met a few years ago and we had one phone conversation in that phone conversation i learned a little bit about her history but not a.

Lot and and in that conversation i shared a little bit about myself and those of you who have watched the show know that i'm very transparent about my past and what god has delivered me from we've talked again about a month ago maybe two months ago.

And it was in regards to her technology but throughout that conversation she sent me an advanced copy of her book i had to stop reading her book as i've told you before that one of the ways that the devil likes to try to come at me is through my dreams and so i have very vivid.

Detailed physical altering dreams meaning i can when i have a sex and drug dream i feel like i've had the sex i feel like i've done the drugs but another part of those dreams and this is really what sparked a new wave of night terrors for me is that i started having dreams of a lot of the.

Things that had happened back when i lived in los angeles and when i went to jail two different times line that up with reading ally's book and i swear to you that in reading this it was like reading the book that my ex wrote it's not the easiest subject in the world for me like this is not the thing.

That i'm most proud of i mean i can talk about having hiv all day long uh not because i'm not ashamed of it um i know the truth behind it and you know i'm healthy but the one part about my life that i struggle with to this day is that i cannot make up for.

The fact that i went from being abused to becoming an abuser so i know i gave a lot of intro and a lot of me and i'm setting the tone for the opening of this of this broadcast to be a little bit different but i want to create the space today in a conversation.

For ali to share openly about you know what she's been through what she's overcome what she's doing now but i cannot do that in good faith or be authentic or be who i can't be real if i don't at least lay this out there's a lot of new people that are going to watch or listen to this and i'm not going to sit up here as i.

Mean i'm a shock jock evangelist but the truth is that that i can't what makes it i'm not trying to be shocking i'm not trying to glorify this at all but i can't have this conversation without her knowing up front a truth about my past.

So i pray that the lord uses whatever comes out of this broadcast i i pray that it opens and creates the space for healing there's a lot of people out there men and women alike that have been in abusive relationships so i'm going to set the tone there and wherever the lord takes this.

He takes it but i do pray that there's healing today that said i am so excited to introduce to you my friend and someone that i like god is going to do such amazing things through this woman this year and you guys are in for a treat ladies and gentlemen please welcome the one the.

Only ally covington my friend hi that was quite an introduction i didn't really know how i was gonna do all this but there it is and i don't know how much of that you knew i didn't know that sure wouldn't marry the lead joshua.

So listen i i remember the very first conversation that we had and it it literally i don't know if you shared with me about your last relationship or what but i remember being a little bit open about why i'd been in jail and things like.

That and i we didn't talk again for like two years after that first conversation yeah so this entire time and then when everything circled back and i started reading that book it started to rip me apart because i literally felt.

Everything that you went through through it was like reading your words it was like reading what my ex would say about me well i'm sorry that had to hurt it's this is not about me um and but it is important that you know addressing this and so like of all the things that you're doing in this world.

The part of me that knows in my spirit like what god has for you it starts with this not this broad maybe this broadcast but your story of overcoming and what you've done and what you're doing it all kind of goes back to this moment because what you went through was a breaking point but you didn't let it break you.

So i want you just to kind of have the floor and speak into anything and everything i just said if you choose but the floor is yours and then we'll go from there how where to start right um i don't know where do i start well i don't know how much you're even.

Allowed to talk about i can't i don't i i think i can say whatever i want i will i will leave names out just to protect myself but um it was it was an interesting time right you you kind of get swept off your feet by someone who really really wants you.

And it's kind of a fairy tale type of thing and that's what i've kept reading it's always some type of fairy tale romance type of situation and i blame disney for that frankly you know they messed us up with sleeping beauty and all of that stuff making us think that that's where.

That's what true love is supposed to be like and so you know you kind of get caught up and it feels so right and then things start to turn and and the hard part about it was because i have a master's in psychology.

And i worked with domestic violence victims and their kids oh my god and the whole time i kept beating myself up like how could i let this happen how did i not see this coming and i once i got through it all and started to forgive myself because i was clearly the one who was.

At fault um at least that's what you believe the whole time i thought i realized i never had a chance i never had a shot and i wasn't taught what to look for i wasn't i wasn't treating the abusers i was treating the victims and so i forgave myself there.

And started to move forward in in the healing process and at least i i did have some you know knowledge about how to do that right i had helped the kids i had helped the women i knew what needed to happen it didn't make it any easier just because i knew it but while i was.

In the middle of of the abuse i knew what was happening but i was literally helpless to do anything about it and you know you spend every waking minute completely consumed with not pissing somebody off so figure you know 18 19 hours a day of don't let your face even.

Show that you're thinking something that you might be thinking or that you're feeling anything other than what he wants you to think and feel and it's incredibly taxing it's incredibly stressful and when you're pregnant at the same time that's even harder and then you're.

Trying not to show it to your to your other two kids right um dad it makes sure it makes your brain crazy so i mean i've always been this like really larger than life huge lover of life kind of person and um to get to the point where i just.

Wanted to die was shocking to me it was shocking to me and um so with the last like one percent of what i had in me i was able to call the police and the timing was i had to wait for the timing to be right because i was in the middle of of a custody battle with my ex-husband.

Because of all of this he kind of he didn't appreciate the fact that i had moved on to a relationship three years after we got you know divorced and so that ignited a whole situation and was very confusing for my children and very i didn't know what to believe about any.

Of anything anymore and so i was in the middle of that and having a having a baby at the same time and trying to figure out how to protect all of them how do you protect your unborn child how do you protect your two children how do you not lose custody of your two.

Children how do you not have to share custody of the newborn baby because you know what they're gonna go through and so i had to wait i had to wait it out um i had to wait it out until he got physically abusive enough to leave marks significant enough.

That i could get a restraining order and that a judge would take it seriously because the feeling is you can't prove coercive control all every time i thought see if i could just tell somebody that this was what was happening that but he would say this he would just turn around and dismiss it and make it.

My fault and make me seem like the crazy one and um so i had to wait so i was watching i was able to at least be objective enough to realize i couldn't like i knew where i had to go i had to just wait it out until it got bad enough.

Until it either got bad enough or i was so perfect that he had nothing to get mad over so that's what ended it he got mad when i was doing everything that perfect when i was perfect perfect perfect and there was nothing more to get mad at he got mad at that.

And um unfortunately he got really mad one night and left some marks and uh after tossing me about the room a bit i almost hit my head on the corner of the mantle and i think i think that scared him a little because he didn't want to kill me.

At that moment it wasn't ready to kill me then and go to jail but um our son was about two months old at the time in the room and um yeah he had already been through um 16 days in nicu so that was stressful enough and i wasn't allowed to be with him as much as i.

Wanted to be with him because he wouldn't let me you know so i got to visit him once a day for like an hour and i wanted to hold my baby you know need his mom but um so eventually one night he got really he got pissed off enough that he left some marks.

And left for the gym early in the morning and i called the local sheriff to see like you know can i can i can i get out can i like what's the what happens if i call because i was afraid i was afraid of calling it was the.

Scariest thing i've ever had to do let's call the police because it i was afraid that they wouldn't that i didn't have that there wasn't enough evidence and that they wouldn't arrest him and if they didn't arrest him he probably would kill me at that point or hurt me so badly that i.

Would wish to die and i already did you know there was a point at which i wished to die in childbirth that would be the easy way out because i couldn't commit suicide because my other two children would be would be damaged for life i couldn't do that to them but dying in childbirth.

Seemed like a really easy way out and i'm glad i didn't but i did pray that god would just do what needed to be done so if he wasn't done with me then please help me save me and um he did obviously and uh and so when the police came.

You know they you know talked to me and they took pictures and issued a temporary restraining order and a friend of mine who's a therapist who'd kinda gotten some red flags from some text messages from me you know during that week uh flew me out to where she was at so i left the state.

Come back to file for you know sole custody for a permanent restraining order and that took almost a year to get almost a year to get the whole time i'm terrified that i'm going to have to testify in front of him talk about another terrifying thing like okay.

I because he would twist everything twist every truth into into a lie coming out of my mouth and it's terrifying it's terrifying to explain how that happens and there's so much shame around it there's so much how did i let this happen and you know my.

My other situation my other legal battle that's exactly what was being used against me she has a master's in psychology how did she let this happen i was like well they don't teach us what to look for in abusers they should but they don't and so um we got away and i spent the.

Year you know pulling myself together um taking care of our son and um and seeing my other two kids when i could and we eventually got through all of that you know got the restraining order and worked through the rest of my other situation.

And got my kids back and you know that was the january of last year so um so it was a year of getting there at least i knew how to physically heal how to emotionally heal so i took time doing that i knew i was very depressed and the things that.

Will work against depression are lack of exercise and eating eating poorly so i made sure i didn't do those things i did the things that i knew would help me and and honestly faith got me through i just prayed like i've never prayed before.

Please give me my babies back please god let something happen that makes it easy to get custody of my son please god that something happens that makes it easy to get my babies back all of my babies together just let that happen and that's what happened and so i go to the trial last january.

And all everything's stacked against me and all of a sudden the judge just says no trial you guys are settling figure it out come back on friday and i went like because the idea of getting on the stand at all like ever ever like and getting cross-examined i had been through the.

Been through a deposition and uh that was no fun but i think i handled it pretty well but it was still like you know that's not an enjoyable experience sure but i knew i was in the right so i had faith and i had god with me and so i knew that i had a strong feeling that.

Everything was gonna be okay that the timing was going to work out the way it was supposed to work out and as it turns out i needed that year not only to heal but for but to get a diagnosis for my baby couldn't figure out why what was wrong with him.

Didn't understand like he was advanced he was rolling over a front back back to front you know picking his head up when he was only weeks old and when he was now four five six months old he wasn't doing any of that he wasn't sitting up he wasn't holding his head up what was wrong.

And um when he was about 10 months 10 and a half months old he was i noticed something and i called the neurologist and he was diagnosed we did an all night keep your baby up all night to fry his brain yeah if you if you've ever had children anyone and you know how what a struggle.

It is to get a kid to sleep it's worth to keep him up all night so i had to keep him up all night so that his brain was not rested and and he the neurologist said so his brain would be fried that's great and if you've ever pulled an all-nighter then you kind of know how that feels the next day.

And uh to cause him to seize during the during the test and he did and they diagnosed him with a really rare form of epilepsy that only about 2500 kids a year get it's about one percent of children or get this form of epilepsy and it's the only form of epilepsy that causes.

Developmental delay so that's why he went backwards and unfortunately it's also really really difficult to control oh my gosh difficult to control it's usually caused by a genetic syndrome and the the prognosis is bleak for those children that's not a good.

Word no i mean seven-year-olds that you know can't walk kind of bleak i thought oh my gosh i'm gonna be taking care of a baby for the rest of my life yeah and um so there was a lot of um grief around that too grief that i needed to work through.

Along with the rest of my career so it was a lot i wanna i wanna ask you something yeah how hard is it for you to say our child uh you know i honest that's the first time i've ever said it to be honest yeah you've said it a few times and i.

Does that mean that you've forgiven him or what does that mean for the state of the relationship there is no relationship there's no co-parenting he gets visits but is that hard for you it was last year because i hadn't i hadn't finished forgiving myself.

And i don't mean 20 20. i mean 2019. it was for me then because i hadn't i hadn't finished forgiving myself and so i couldn't forgive him but i mean i've really i mean and my daughter too we've talked about how how much better we are as a result.

Of having gone through that how much we can read people in a way that we otherwise wouldn't have been able to and and so it turned out to be quite a quite a blessing and she's over there waving because she really wanted me to do this.

With you when she could be present because she wanted to listen and um and so yeah i forgave him that's good i wouldn't be who i am because if we had stayed together i wouldn't be where i am if all of this hadn't happened the way that it happened and i say that because.

In the middle of my feeling lost and and desperate for direction i reached out to a friend who mentored me who got me in connection with a fitness industry person that i never knew who started moving me in the direction of helping me expand the the base of.

Clients for my software and the industry wasn't ready for it in 2019 but thanks to kovid it got a giant shove forward in 2020 because our realities changed so dramatically and i was perfectly positioned with what i had already created in my software so um so that was awesome.

And so had had we not gone through this really securities route to get to where we are none of this would be happening right now so yeah i forgave him because i don't hold any hate in my heart for anyone um he he's paying a price to this day for what he did and i.

I don't i have com i have compassion i guess empathy compassion i have something i i don't communicate with him in a in an overly friendly way because i i have to make sure i keep that boundary so that he doesn't get sure you can't can't give an itch with them but um but i'm not unkind i'm not mean.

Um i don't see him when we do when he has a visit he uh we meet at a at a neutral place and one of his family members makes the exchange um but um but yeah i actually hadn't called him our son ever he's all as far as i'm concerned he's been mine this whole time.

Because i've done everything for him right he's like okay here go look at my child okay give him back but in reality i think he really he there's a part of him that does care and so yeah what do you think the source of his rage was have you figured that out.

Yet i didn't bother even trying to figure that out i mean i got i every time my mind started going down that path of why did he do this i was like why am i even going to sit there and worry about that that's not my problem who needs to go.

Fix himself i need to make sure that how i let that happen so that it doesn't happen again but it's really interesting once you've been gaslit to the degree that i have you can recognize it really easily in other people it's it's amazing i get a i get one whiff of.

It from i can walk i can hear a couple on the phone and go oh yeah i know what's happening over there a mile away now and it and really what it is is i used to give people the benefit of the doubt i get i gave them way too much runway.

And disbelief that anybody would ever be bad this sounds pretty naive right but it also just is my heart to believe that people are basically good because i think our we are but then you know life happens and then we choose not to we choose not to get help we.

Choose not we we make the choice to not get well yeah because life happens to everybody i mean for me in my experience with it and the reason i was asking you this is because it it there's no justification that to my but i medicated.

You know with my own trauma early on and and then starting to medicate well because that's what masked the pain from the trauma that i had experienced and then the drugs chemically whacked me out and then the alcohol and you factor all those things in the self-medicating.

And you're right about the prince charming thing where you know the the people that rope you in the lure you in the predator well they're gifted we are and i and i almost really want to say present tense because even though i call myself a narcissist in recovery.

I can sense those old things that i could sense in people and i would go oh yeah because i could test i would throw out the test and i have this test that i don't know if i did it on purpose or subconscious but it would like this i would throw bait out in a way and this sounds like a.

Predator because in my mind it is again whether it was subconscious or not i would throw out these things to see if the woman that i was you know interested in was going to accept this broken monster inside of me and and as bad and as much as i didn't want to be that monster.

It would find its way to come out when it was triggered or under the influence or whatever and it doesn't justify the behavior it but i i i recognize this all the time as like i you know and i heard when i was reading your story i'm going i it was like i it was like something.

Inside of me could sense that this person was going to be a victim to me they were going to do whatever i needed them to do whatever i wanted them to do i was going to get away with it i was going to be able to sew my monster oats and i caught the monster.

That was inside of me it was like he could do whatever i wanted to do and feed it and here it is this this person was actually kind of encouraging the behavior in a way until it went against her and then when the when when i remember.

When i got caught cheating i i i'll never forget the day because it changed like she believed everything she trusted everything even when we were doing ungodly things together the day she found out we cheated the the the the veil had been lifted off of her eyes.

And all of a sudden she was like oh shoot she got to see the monster up close like she got to see it there was no more blinders on but then the choice to forgive because she saw the good in me the same thing all the women before saw they saw the greatness they saw what god had for me.

They saw all of like who i was in christ so to speak is what they were seeing but there was monsters all inside of me but she got the worst of it my the the ex from years ago she she isolated from family she isolated from friends every time we would have a massive fight.

Her friend would tell her to run she would make excuses for me and the final straw for us was not the second time in jail together it wasn't that i i finally like i had caused so much toxic anger and rage and in the lies and the manipulation and the gaslighting and like.

Not knowing what was real it it came back on me like i turned my life around and started to progress to make change to be the man i was supposed to be but then she was stuck in her anger and rage the only thing that separated us because we were addicted like it was crack.

Cocaine there's sight this this roller coaster of extremes that the relationship presented because if i hurt her i was the only person that could heal her if she hurt me she was the only one that could nurse me back to health like that was the mindset and where we.

Were at like you like i needed her to fix what she heard and vice versa so we started this crack addiction relationship basically and i for some reason like the what the only thing that separated us was us leave we got in a fight one day.

And i just took off for las vegas i moved to las vegas and left her in san diego and married somebody i didn't know like a week later or something crazy like that that was the only thing that separated us permanently but i cannot think.

Of a moment in my life that i regret other than not being able to get forgiveness for my behavior then it haunts me because it's for some reason i struggle with letting it go and i'm not that man i haven't been that man in a long time and i do the work to not let those monsters back in.

But it haunts me the damage that was caused because the difference between you and her is that you did the work to get well and you continue to do it to continue to heal and she's still stuck in a place of self-isolated misery you can't do anything about that that's.

Her journey yeah i mean i understand that it's just that's why it was so hard to have you on after like the reality of it because i was thinking about all the great things you're doing in the world and wanted to celebrate that and then all of a sudden that noise from the enemy sort of talking to me.

Going you don't want to do this i think this is a nightmare waiting to happen but i'm glad that you're you came on here i just i don't know why i even felt led to like share all that with you because i don't know what is supposed to be done with it.

Like i'm not looking for sympathy i'm not looking for any of that i but it i don't i i i i i i get a sense that you need to forgive yourself for the fact that she hasn't healed herself you're blaming yourself for her lack of healing and it's not your fault gotta take responsibility for hers and.

You have to take responsibility for yours but you can't make your self-forgiveness contingent upon her healing love is unconditional you have to love yourself unconditionally too that's conditional it is huh yeah that's very true um.

Do you have do you have nightmares about what happened not anymore you did in the beginning in the very beginning first few months uh six months probably but not anymore i rarely think about it anymore i mean i mostly only think about it when you know my daughter brings something up.

Or yeah but now i focus all my attention on where we're going and how he's developing and how happy we are together how how do you when you meet women because i've seen like your follow you on twitter your twitter's amazing um but i've listened to some of the.

Other stuff that you've done and you you really create the space to be there for other women who are going through this what is for you like how what has been your like what has been the one thing that you that sticks out most to the women that come to you to talk to you.

About their situation what would be the one thing that sticks out from those conversations that maybe surprises you a little bit they haven't come to me yet no one's coming to you yet no one's come to me yet and said i gotta talk i need help nope maybe i'm just knowing yourself right.

Now you put yourself out there to be there for those women though yeah and when if they can i i understand why they wouldn't because because they're being monitored coercive controllers are being monitored they're not.

They're keep they're being kept from getting help that's the whole point to it so i can see why they wouldn't be until they get until they get free so if a woman like there's women i know there's women watching right now i mean look men go through abuse too it it men go.

Through it too but i want to talk about with women in this like what do you have but women that are in an abusive relationship right now what do you have to say to them like what what can you say uh what i would say is all the things that he's making you believe about yourself are not true.

You are capable you are worthy you do not deserve this you did not create this he took advantage and this is not what love actually looks like that no matter what he's saying to you he's gaslighting you gaslighting is making you question your own sanity and your own beliefs and you can.

Pull out of it you can you can't we'll be okay like i don't care if you're financially dependent on him or not i wasn't i wasn't and thankfully i didn't have to you know go through a legal divorce either so there's some blessings there but um even if you're financially.

Dependent there are places for you to go you and your children can go that's one of the places that i did my hours to graduate with my master's they exist they will take care of you you can't get back on your feet you do not have to spend the rest of your life like this that's what i would say to them get that.

One of the things that i've noticed too and this happened and this is part of what i can like now that i try to live righteously and live in line with you know with what god has asked me to like how god wants me to live and i and i really work.

Towards that and so but the one thing that i have not been able to escape is this radar of women who this is i i remember i posted this two years ago and i made so many women mad at me for this so i even got shamed by some men but predators can sense and smell weakness.

Yeah and i'm gonna i'm gonna correct the word weakness and just say empathy okay it's not empathy is not weak how about vulnerabilities okay because if i can sense where your weak spot when someone's when if i can smell sense where someone's.

Weak spot is in other words an insecurity that they're not getting attention those kind of things then you can exploit it right that so do you consider that a weakness though or is that a i don't consider vulnerabilities to be weaknesses or necessarily negatives i.

Think that um it's just i mean that's what's happening in the animal kingdom all the time the predator can sense who the weaker one of the herd is the one who can't run nearly as fast and outrun them or you know can't out think them but as it.

Turns out i wasn't nearly as weak as he thought i was and i turned it all around and i got what i wanted and he got blindsided by that because um because he he didn't suspect any of that but i was calculating how to get the hell.

Out and how to protect all my children and um yeah so i wouldn't call i wouldn't say the reason why you got a lot of backlash is because nobody wants to consider themselves weak because they think that they're supposed to be perfectly strong and not have any vulnerabilities and not have any.

Spots that somebody could exploit but if you are that way then doesn't that also make you the predator too well i was i was actually talking about some of the way that people put themselves out online uh yes and they expose weaknesses and vulnerabilities in your defense system.

You know what like you can tell when someone's desperately seeking attention right sure so go to that point and then also to follow it up with women that just get out of abusive relationships and go start looking for a man to another relationship to maybe fix it.

That yeah so i want you to speak to the importance of taking the time to heal before even if you were the victim of what had happened yeah you speak to the importance of taking the time to heal yourself before you open yourself up to being in another.

Relationship dating and so on can you talk about that yeah i can't say enough about how important that is because you believed something you believe that people were basically good and then you got surprised that somebody would actually hurt you when you're doing nothing but being nice.

Because we're taught as children if you're nice people will be nice to you that's right golden rule right yeah i was shocked when we're like wait i was nice and you weren't wait what no how does that happen right and so we have to learn to.

Uh we have to take the time to create the awareness to sense the things that we didn't sense before and i think the most important thing to heal is the idea that they're that that that little you know if you're nice everybody will be nice back to you kind of thing that.

We grew up with is not it's not true and you actually have to protect yourself and so it made me a vicious protector of my children like you will not hurt my children not ever like not ever but my children are a lot closer now as a result of all of this too.

They uh they now have this lit my my two older ones have this little brother that they can both agree that they love the hell out of him the center of the family now sweet as anything just the kindest little soul but um you have to take the time to heal because jumping back in with another.

Relationship means you're going to attract the same person again you have to you have to heal and be a different person than you were so that and sew up all of your little tears so that you can attract the kind of man that you want and not the same one that you just had.

And so i i think it's a solid year at least at least it was for me before i could even think about trying to date again and then when i did try for a hot second i was like whoa nope i'm not ready yet and but i did see red flags and i had the courage to call them out because i had.

I had promised myself that i would never dismiss behavior that seemed off again ever you get i'm sorry i didn't mean to cut you off but i say often on the show to women the one of the the supernatural gift that all women share is that that sense like their instincts are.

Incredible and that is the thing that killed me right ignoring it i sensed it i knew it then i knew it then i knew it then i really knew it at the end right and i knew it all along the way and i dismissed it as though.

No no no no it's nothing and so the one thing i would say to all women is if something doesn't feel right you do not need to justify it you do not need to figure out what it is you just need to know it's not right you need to walk away and get and that's what gaslighting does to women.

Is it robs them of trusting their instincts exactly that's why it's so awful of a thing to do and it really it takes so long to unwind all the gas lighting because it's i mean it's perfect it's psychologically perfect and you all you have to do is watch the.

Entire year of 2020 in politics to know there was so happy you were there so i didn't have to yeah i was i sat over there on twitter watching everything going whole countries being gasoline right now i'm just gonna sit over here and like because there's nothing you can say.

Right when the gas is happening it's like well just let it burn and when it when it when the fire finally dies down i guess we can keep the ashes and make some sense of all of this and try to piece it back together again but not until then you can't say anything or people get so upset you can't even comment like you.

Can make a neutral comment about the former president's hair and it's going to engulf just rage and because they've been gaslit into believing depending on which news source you go to is the way you've been gaslighted and if you sit on twitter you're being gaslit like.

There's like levels of gas lighting that go on on twitter that is absolutely insane it's crazy all over things that are not true right absolutely absolutely 100 everybody is pissed off at everybody else because of the way they've been gaslit into believing that that's the truth.

And the other side is wrong and they should die but at the end i mean what's funny is i was never on twitter before all of this happened so here so here's where here's part of the reason part of my recovery right so i went on to twitter because i didn't want him to find me on facebook and.

Instagram and because i had never been on twitter when we were together i figured he probably wouldn't figure out that i would go on twitter yeah so because you can't control who follows you on twitter anyway but it doesn't really matter and so boy was that an eye-opening because this manosphere and hatred for.

Solo moms and everything just like right in my face but it really did help me start to sift through and see like how many men become how they become abusers how they get these ideas in their head of certain types of women and what they're all about and.

Like there's manuscripts out there saying that women are just born cheaters they're never going to be faithful anyway and i'm like and and solo moms are the pro are the scourge of the earth and we are the whole reason why the entire you know why all boys suck and you know everything that's.

Wrong with the planet is because of solo moms and i'm sitting there scratching my head going i'm sorry weren't we the ones that were taking care of the children and so i'm looking at this going i these guys are being gaslit by these other guys because they're heartbroken and so it had it gave me some compassion.

For them but it also led me to find people that were really my people so the people that we interact with now are some of my favorite people on the planet that i haven't physically met but they've become my clients one of them is you know becoming my cto.

And business partner and i couldn't be more blessed and i wouldn't have those people in my life if that guy hadn't done that dude i want to ask you about that because i genuinely i there's a lot of i have met i've been fortunate to meet a lot of my facebook friends.

Um it just worked out that way especially when i was traveling all the time i just started randomly meeting a lot of my facebook friends absolutely wild but even the ones that i haven't met like i still get the same feeling of friendship.

Even though it's digital not in person i get the same kind of value out of it now is that screwed up thinking or well i don't know i think just because we haven't physically hugged doesn't mean we we aren't friends right i was on a call with about five other ladies last night that was.

Just at all via zoom we have that we're spread across the country one of them's in canada and i mean for somebody that i haven't physically met to spend time creating a gift for me with her own hands and shipping it across the border because of how i made her feel and the interaction that we had.

No that's real yeah well that's love that's there's so much love out there if you if you're attracted if you have the love for yourself it will come to you you'll attract all those people and and they'll be in your life and so now i don't think that's crazy at all i think.

That's a reality of the digital age that we're in i don't think that that i i mean there are people that i've met here that even old friends that i don't talk to would i consider them friends anymore because i haven't spoken to them in so long or i haven't seen them in so long that.

I'm like well how close are we really when we're not even talking all that much you know i agree with that and so so like this morning i got a bunch of text mess happy birthday text messages from friends that i haven't talked to since last year at this time but that doesn't mean that we're not friends because we.

Don't talk because i do come into their mind on on you know special occasions like that but there's people that don't so just because i knew them physically at one point do i still call them a friend when they don't really know who i am anymore and i don't know who they are.

No i think the people that i've met on twitter and some of those ladies are more my friends than people i grew up with you know so you know i want to talk to you about honesty oh um well because you you brought something up that just triggered this thought.

And i think about like because you said like why men become abusers i think every i think a lot of it has to do with the fear of truth you think about why men cheat men cheat well i mean one or one reason is they lack discipline but another side of that.

Is i believe is that men are afraid to be honest about the things that they really want and i'm not trying to i'm not going down a sexual path here i'm just going to stop it there and go they're not willing to be honest so they hide they hide parts of themself that and i know some things in a relationship you learn.

Organically but there's key things that men will hide when they are meeting a woman because they don't want to be judged and the one thing that people judge or there's two things that people fear judgment about at least from a man's perspective that's finances and that's.

Something to do with sex there's something that they're hiding and not willing to be honest with so men hide and then they have fear or and or maybe they mess up or maybe they have a certain thing about themselves that they're you know they're ashamed of and they don't explore but that shame that.

They've hidden will burn inside and and create something else and it manifests to something very very ugly and i think that a root of that is fear of truth because again you don't want to like whether you don't want to upset your.

Girl you don't want to freak them out whatever it may be i want you to talk about the importance of of truth to you and how and i don't know if you can speak to it to it with the question frame like this but when you are in a relationship with somebody you love.

And they their their what does honesty mean to a woman in a relationship maybe that's the way to frame the question that's a that's a good question i think honesty is everything to a woman at least it is to me right i want to know who you are.

All the good the bad the ugly i want to know exactly who you are and i want you to hide from me all the things that men are typically insecure about like and insecurity is a monster into itself insecurity i think is what breeds most lies yeah what do you say to men.

To the insecurities that most men like you can stereotype it what can you say to them if i could speak to the insecurities that men hold yeah um how women feel about them i would say that you're because you're not trusting yourself you're not.

Trusting your partner with the truth you don't trust yourself with your truth and so you're not even giving her a chance you know i mean to go back to my situation really quick like when i said i never had a ch i never had a chance he he lied and gaslit and set the trap.

A year before we ever even got together he created this persona that wasn't at all the truth about who he was but he created this persona because he thought that that's what it was going to take to get me and i think that the more and more apparent that that wasn't the case he um the more that that wasn't the case.

The more it started to like the whole facade started to crumble and then like you know then the rage got out because now i'm going to know the truth because it's gotten me otherwise is really is really what the attitude was about that that's what i think i think he didn't think that he could.

Get me unless he lied so he didn't think that he was good enough and his insecurities were such well you know tell the truth because maybe that's just not the right person to be with then don't try so hard to get one person is what i would say if she doesn't understand your insecurities and.

And who you really are then somebody else will and that's okay if it's not the right match let her choose too right just like i would i would tell a man i would be perfectly honest with anybody if i'm not your right match that's.

Then that's good right i'm not going to try so hard to get you to love me that you don't know who i am i no i and i love that you're saying that because like people will love you for your ugly truths i mean i'm living testimony to this yes you are when you are married with kids i was.

Like that was good for you that was not great and god but god brought her to me because i got comfortable with truth yeah and and i did the works you said a year and i believe it's a year or two as a magic i spent a year alone feeling isolated you know working on.

Reversing all of the triggers that i had like and stuff i think it's a minimum of a year i i still wasn't after a year and i still don't have a relationship and it's been over two years now but that's okay well and like i'm still healing and process like i've learned that.

Through you know with multiple personalities and all of that that i i'm getting to heal each one like your own healing a journey but i'm blessed to have a wife that's willing to like be there and work with me through it but if i would have hid that and believe me i hid my monster from everyone.

Yeah yeah and it because i would they would meet me when i'm just this ray of sunshine and like everything's good i'm light and like because i've always had that side of my personality but then i would when things would get good i would get comfortable with good and i'd be like.

Oh and then i'd start to hear those voices of and now it's time to go have some fun and then i would go do have the fun and then it would make me self-destructive and reckless and that i would hurt a lot of people because then i have the shame of what i've just done.

And now i'm lying and trying to cover it up that's all coming from lack of self-love and i didn't love myself and that's what i learned in that year of isolation because i learned to love myself and be comfortable with the truth and one thing that i learned about the truth and i shared this i was.

On someone else's show yesterday or the day before and and i said that what was true to me like i had to be comfortable with the truth that one that jesus loved me exactly the way i am like there was nothing that was going to change that when i finally got the point.

Of that i began to love myself and started to make loving decisions but the truth that i accepted at that time about myself changed as i healed and that was no longer true so the truth about yourself or your perceived truth.

It can change but being comfortable with truth and what's true to you in that moment and just loving yourself in that moment will begin the healing process that will put you and shape you into who you are created to be scars and all right yep exactly.

Yeah and and your past does not define who you are it defines who you were can you say can you say that and i know that to be true like i know who i am like and i like it's unshakable at this point i know who i am but for you are you able to look at people that have.

A past of a past very similar to what hurt you and caused you pain are you still able to say that in that same breath to say that that's who they were and that's not who they are now yes yeah if they've healed themselves they've loved themselves then yeah.

That's who they were because that's you know i'm not the same person anymore either yeah um but if they're still in if they're still stuck in that pattern of behavior then that's who they still are past it they keep people are really good.

At bringing their past back into their present back into their present by talking about the past all the time like we don't need we don't need to talk about the past all the time that's who what it was where are we going let's talk about where we're going who we are now the different person now.

Not who we were so yeah everybody has a past lots of people have passed that they're not all that thrilled about the fact that it happened that's right but that's okay because this is part of the human experience that's right.

Right it's part of the human experience so we have to just you know kind of kiss it on the forehead and let it go and move on so all of this has been beautiful because i i appreciate you boldly sharing everything that you shared and this to me um the reason i wanted to get that out of.

The way is because i really believe all of that you've overcome like everything that you did to while going through this ensure that you're still going to be the mom that is there you're not an absent mom you're there you're loving your children.

Even though you're going through hell that in itself is inspiring everything you've said on this broadcast is inspiring because it is about healing and overcoming and doing the work where's ali going now oh that's good i i like that story by the way going through all of that.

Showed me how invincible i am yeah oh how much i had it in me really really didn't and man did it make me a better mom i mean whoo no you some some parents just take their kids love for granted right but when you're afraid that you're.

That you've lost it man you embrace it in a way that you never would have otherwise so where we're going uh happy family right my older two fight but they don't fight with their little one so there's that but even when they fight they love each other and i can kind of pull them back.

In we are having family experiences like never before um such togetherness such confidence such beauty and my software is getting expanded probably as we speak he's probably working on it watching this.

Right now so excited about it i am so excited about it i'm going to get ripped on your software by the way i i love the results that my clients are getting so i am i am completely blessed back in 2009 i was frustrated.

At constantly having to work and leaving my baby my daughter who was only two at the time do you want to come give a hug on yeah she wants to she wants you pace to see her for a second thanks baby and um so she was two and i jumped in the pool because my head was just swimming with all these.

Thoughts and i couldn't quiet my mind and i jumped out of the pool with the complete idea of my software the marketing the name for it everything within minutes it was like god just went here you go you asked now go make it now go make it happen and i so i spent all this time and in 2009 the.

Technology wasn't there to build what i needed to build yeah so it took time to get to this place and um up until 2000 up until 2020 remote personal training was not something that anybody did so i was looking at b2b and i was trying to figure out.

You know how am i going to get people to understand the value of what i've built because i know god wouldn't give it to me if it wasn't what i was supposed to do everyone take note of that statement because we all get those things yeah yeah and so i just went okay and.

All along the way i kept getting green light green light green light but then i'd get road block green light green light road block um yeah what a building a tech company talk about uh you know drinking from a fire hose on a daily basis for a decade i i find i finally feel like i've got a.

Handle like i've got rains on this on this racehorse and and part of it is because i have you know found these beautiful people that really love what i'm doing and they believe in it and me and they want to be part of it and so my my tech guy he's amazing he was one.

Of my first clients in april april of last year when covid hit and now everybody has to work out at home or just sit there and get fat right um he started i i posted it out like i will give you a covid discount off of my fir month and i just i revamped my business model i just kind of went okay instead of b2b i guess i.

Will do b2c but let's see if it will work and i you know marketing to the individual consumer is expensive and i just didn't know how to go about doing that marketing isn't my genius my my genius lies in other places and so he started working with me and.

You know we he's in canada so we would chat via whatsapp uh if he had questions or whatever all the while i'm like okay well my software was really designed for the gym it wasn't designed for home so i got to go back to my old it guy and i re.

I i recreated the home workout exercises and redid the videos there and added those to it so i expanded my software to include a much more robust home workout section of it so that people could continue their their their fitness at home but i hadn't.

Thought of it before because you could get a fitness 19 membership anywhere like people weren't really exercising at home they were going to the gym and you know i i had to adapt my own workout to to be at home so you couldn't get a dumbbell to save your life back in april right.

And um so i had to figure it out myself and so as i was figuring it out i was like well if it's happening for me it's happening for other people so let's just expand it and then i was getting more and more clients from twitter and so on and i would i was having more conversations with.

Other people that i like remember the fitness the industry guy that i wouldn't have otherwise met if this hadn't happened well he's introducing me he's making this phone call and i'm listening to where they're getting their clients i'm like well maybe i could try that too and i'm putting all these things together.

Because what else am i gonna do sitting at home right in 2020 um my i can't go take care of my financial clients so i'm gonna figure this out and so we expanded the software to include that now but then i have this macro tracker so the way i eat and my meal plans and all that stuff.

Was just a static document had always just been a big huge pdf that i would you know email via dropbox to my clients well my first client there in april said i want to i want to build it into your software i was like really because that's what i wanted to do.

I wanted to build it into the software so that a client could have their food right all the things that are happen that they're consuming and all the caloric expenditure through their workouts all be in one place and have it all you know cohesin work together and where i can see it and now.

So we're expanding the software to be able to be this one-stop place for all of your nutrition your workouts it's all talking to each other and eventually where we're going with it is to add in some ai so that you can you could ask it questions and say like well you know can i have this.

Can i have another beer can i have another glass of wine at night and based on what you've already consumed based on where you know what you've expected in terms of your workout then you'll know like yes or no or yes but you got to do an extra 10 minutes of cardio tomorrow.

To make up for that glass of wine because you didn't really do enough today what are you gonna say about the two donuts i had yesterday it's gonna say you probably need an hour of cardio for that good thing i did it yeah and you know what what's what's crazy is um.

Back in 2009 i prayed for somebody for the i.t person to be somebody who wanted to be part of the company that's what it's all about and not just get paid but like be passionate about it and want to make it the best it could be i've been wanting this person this whole.

Time and i i mean got lucky no no it's that's totally god and and what i love to me it's like you're like it's the quick what you have created is quickbooks for fitness particularly accounting software for fitness.

Oh cool it's so cool and we're making it even better like what i had already the algorithm i already wrote and had created is great but because it also has physical therapy exercises for injuries and issues so it's not just here's some workouts it's custom workouts it's you have a.

Neck issue a shoulder issue a knee issue that you're not going to just have to figure it out yourself you're going to get exercises that are going to improve that situation and so where we're headed with it is making all of that even better than it already is.

And i i'm finally proud of of where it is i love the way the website looks i love how i love the results that people are getting i have a client that was reluctant to be remote because she thought for sure she couldn't like it wouldn't work and she has she had.

Two neurosurgeries about a dozen strokes she has a frozen shoulder she wants to lose weight and she's like i know i need a trainer i can't afford a lot i but i i don't think remote is gonna work for me and i just said give it a shot just give me a shot so now we talk every day because she she's like a sister from another mister.

And um and she's lost 14.6 pounds in her first five to six weeks with me she's more thrilled uh kate wants to know about fibromyalgia fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disorder and basically we need to just get your gut healthy with um with a diet that supports it and a medical grade probiotic.

And exercise and i bet you dollars to donuts don't eat those though that you're that you experience the pain diminished from the fibromyalgia i had one of my first clients that um you know prior to covet and everything she was she was she's been with me for years she had high triglycerides.

Her cholesterol was high she was uh pre-diabetic her doctor thought she might have an autoimmune disorder wanted to put her on all these drugs and he came to me and this is in 2016. this is i remember because i was standing in line to vote in 2016. and she said um i don't want to take these drugs ellie can you help me i went.

Yes follow my meal plan take this probiotic do these workouts 60 days later she got her blood work again her liver enzymes were starting to go back to where they should be the triglycerides were back normal her pre-diabetes was gone and.

Um and there was no signs of an autoimmune disorder so i know it works i know it works your body will heal itself if you give it a chance if you take out the things that are causing it problems and you give it some help to get back where it can where it needs to go it can absolutely heal itself.

That's amazing kate i think kate's going to connect with you on social so i love it yeah very cool we're always open how do people how do people find you your twitter is great thanks but how do people find like your website and all that how do people keep up with.

Everything you have going on uh well twitter is a great place to find me because my my website is right there on my profile so it's bob is where you can find me and you can always dm me on twitter you can dm me on instagram you can send me messages on facebook uh.

You can even fill out the contact form on my website and that'll go straight to my email and we can connect that way i'm really easy to find very accessible and really really want to help you really do i i genuinely i i can i've watched you work and you you were sincere.

About it your desire to help on all fronts i mean it's it's your thing like you're you're here to serve i mean you're a business but you're you have a genuine heart to want to help improve people's lives and i admire that thank you it could easily have gone the other way easily very.

Easily i um one of the things that i'm so happy about with the software that i've built is because most people don't really need me to babysit their workout what they need me for is accountability and coaching and more meaningful conversations that can't be had.

While you're jumping rope because you know your heart rate's up so high because i'm running you through a great workout how are you going to be able to have conversations with me about how it integrates into your lifestyle or hormones or what do you do to get uh stay on track with your eating while.

You're trying to make different meals for your family or how do you get your kids to drink the fruit and veggie shake when it looks so green and you know i i i go through all the same stuff that you're going through so i feel like i've got some tricks and if i can do it.

Then i can help you get there too that's awesome and it's my pleasure to do so i you know this was the path that i was supposed to be on i've been on this path since 1996. i've been sorry 95. been a trainer since i was 19 years old i love this i read books on how micronutrients affect your.

Psychology and your neurology for fun i read books on epigenetics for fun because it's just fascinating to me because what if there's a piece of the puzzle that i can glean from some other discipline over here that can help my clients over here and so i'm.

Always always paying attention to those things and um i love that i love her i mean the diet i put my son on to help him with his epilepsy which is controlled by the way did i mention that no i'm actually glad that you circled back to that because i left the stuff around your son hanging.

A bit yeah i uh i started diving into research as to like what could possibly be going on what what's hap is he autistic is he whatever so i started understanding how micronutrients like metals and coppers and things folate things like that that.

Are naturally occurring how we can have an inability to process it and how that can show up as as psychological disorders and that was fascinating and then i was reading books written by neurologists about diet and how that impacts uh behavior.

And and psychology so i'm doing all of that right and then he gets diagnosed with this form of epilepsy but they did a genetic test he does not have a genetic disorder his outlook is not bleak he is making progress he did roll over he did sit up he is crawling he's working on walking.

And feeding himself he's said a few words but he usually just you know sits there and is a little chill guy and happy and giggly unless it's the middle of the night and then he cries jack does and um so he doesn't have a genetic disorder and it took one treatment now the treatment for his.

Particular type of epilepsy carries with it tremendous side effects so he had to have an echocardiogram so that they could measure the size of his heart because you get an enlarged heart you it's a nasty treatment it's kind of like chemotherapy we're going to stop the we're going to.

Try to stop the seizures but we're going to kill your body in the process of doing it so fortunately he only needed one treatment and the seizures stopped and so i went an all-natural route i went to cbd he doesn't even need cbd anymore i just keep his diet in check 50 fat 25 carbs 25.

Protein and heats a whole foods diet and this is a kid that was in the one tenth of one percentile of weight when he was born and just a couple of weeks ago two weeks ago today as a matter of fact he's in the 33rd percentile doctors are thrilled he also has gerd so that's been an issue but he's starting.

To grow out of that too because i have him on the lowest possible dose and um a dose that was 12 pounds ago he's gonna get there nobody has said yet that you know he's gonna be in a wheelchair not being able to to move around he's very smart very smart his receptive language is.

Very advanced so mentally he is not at a disadvantage he's just physically trying to catch up to where his mind is that is so cool yeah it's a good story but there's a lot of people that like i i know just that have watched the show over the years that have children.

With epilepsy and i've been i remember because you mentioned cbd you know i'm making recommendations on that different you know different cbd products for people but you said something that is true with a lot of i mean i think big pharma's.

Like you know borderline satan at this point especially with the field of psychiatry and like all of those drugs but the food like food was meant to heal us uh who was it that had uh the wrote the daniel plan uh the book uh the pastor from.

Saddleback in california they wrote the daniel plan book and it was about the daniel plan diet and all the whole food diet and they had medical doctors that were involved in the book and they showed how real food is healing yeah we don't need all the crap that we buy and all of the.

Supplements all of this and that we need whole foods whole foods and it it's like the answer to everything well when you think about where pharmaceuticals come from they're extracting compounds from nature and and manipulating them the foods that you eat are drugs for your body they have an.

Impact every single thing that you put in your mouth will have a positive impact or a negative one on your body it's as simple as that it's making me feel guilty about those donuts still well yeah i don't know how else to explain it to you but and then you make.

Myself bad we'll come back from having a doughnut right if you eat it every day you're not gonna your body can't keep up with that kind of you know insult but a wall here and there it'll come back from you know so i'm not i'm i'm a big fan of of eating really good yummy food so that's why my meal plan is all.

My own recipes that i that i created and so nachos and stuff like that yeah cheesecake that's all i've seen pictures of your food you're a good cook you look i mean it looks good it tastes good i mean if my if my kids are saying their favorite meal is my gluten-free mac and cheese.

Then i i guess it's not so bad right yeah because gluten-free mac and cheese is not an easy thing to like unless if you know how to make it i make it from scratch that's awesome wait you make the noodles too no i buy the noodles i i i draw the line at spending that much time in the kitchen.

Because i do want to play with my kids you know i don't want to make it hey isn't that a long process yeah i wouldn't i don't want to do that but i make the cheese sauce and then we use it for different things right use it with the nachos use it on tater tots and you know is there a healthy way to make cheese.

To make a cheese sauce yeah yeah just make the roux with butter and with tapioca flour and then i use goat milk for for the base and then i just use you know regular cheddar cheese gouda things like that yeah okay i'm hungry now i know my tummy's growling too.

Okay ally this has been a blessing um i'm so excited for everything that is happening for you and uh so excited about the software when can people take it their first peek at it they can see it right now it's up it's been up given give them the website one more.

Time bod bod like this god bless you thank you for being here thank you joshua for having me i'll talk to you soon bye well gee that was fun what an amazing woman and by the way you guys have to check out this technology i didn't even know what was up yet.

Um bod you gotta check it out everything i've heard about this seems like the perfect fitness app every time i download one of those fitness and health apps they're always missing something i need and this is the complete package so you guys.

Check that out i am so grateful that she was so vulnerable um and sharing like i mean we just went right to it like there was no happy stuff so if you just joined us late uh you're watching on the replay listening on the podcast whatever.

You want to listen to the whole thing because it it does lead up to i mean it tells the story and not always that comfortable but if you've been in an abusive relationship whether you're the abuser or you're the abused there's something there for both of you and one of the things that i take away.

From this other than forgiving myself and like i didn't know why i felt led i don't know why the resistance i talked about this openly like why i've been to two of the six times i've been in jail why you know i it's not like i've hid from it.

I've talked about it before but for some reason this is weighed heavy on me since we decided that we were doing the interview and i i just opened it up with that and i guess maybe because i didn't want her to be blindsided by it or to come across as a hypocrite if i didn't say.

Anything i don't know but i will say that that was a bit healing for me um it was because she said some things in in the in in the interview that she was able to go to look at it as yeah you've healed you're not that person that's your past.

I don't know why that was so powerful for me but it was and and i know i'm not that guy but hearing it from her for some reason made a difference and here's the thing women i don't believe if you're in an abusive relationship.

You gotta get out and there are resources i know somebody right now who is attached to my dna use your imagination that is stuck in a very abusive relationship because she is getting ready to have a baby literally in a month if not sooner that is in with her abuser and it's all.

About finances he has financial control over her therefore in her mind she's stuck and there's no telling her any other thing and in fact i notice this pattern that she contacts us when they're fighting.

But when they're not fighting there's separation and division and she wants nothing to do with us and then all of a sudden has this us versus me thing and it's really hard to watch and experience but i also don't think it's by any accident.

Why am i talking about this because you heard it from her if you're in an abusive relationship ladies and you're about to have a baby or you've just had a baby or you find out that you're pregnant there are resources available for you and everybody that's watching out there like i know there's different.

Organizations all over the country all over the world and so if you know them like please share those ideas so other people can see it if you've been through this also if you've been through an abusive relationship it's so important that you share it.

To to because you don't know the impact that it's going to have on someone else's life and again i'm saying this is this has all been part of my past being the abused being the abuser but if you're the abuser don't get in another relationship with anyone until you've you've done the.

Work on yourself and you've healed and you know what it takes longer than you think but you can heal because of all the things that that fuel that that that that demon inside of you that causes you to abuse all of that stuff can be healed you can be removed from it you can.

Reverse the triggers you can you can you can grow you can learn to be honest because if i think about all of all the root causes of the things that made me so angry that i that it did cause me to and i'm like look i can sit there and blame the the the eight ball of cocaine and the.

Ball of tequila i can do all that i can blame that i could but the fact is it really resulted the thing that slit the spark that caused all of the the rage to come out is the fear of getting caught the fear behind my lies being exposed that is what fueled the monster.

Inside of me that's what fueled the rage that caused me to hurt other people is trying to keep the lie that i was living going i talk about the truth so much on the show look outside of the fact that god doesn't bless lies.

You can't function properly in life without living in truth you can't there's no authenticity there's no there's no there's no blessings no one knows who you are just be honest if i can walk around life being in jail six times first time shoplifting second time.

Prostitute well i thought it was a prostitute it ended up being a cop dui fights multiple fights bar fights yes i was a bar brawler and then domestic violence maybe i've been in jail seven times oh my gosh i think i've been in jail seven times.

I'm not going back that's the point but if i can do that if i can if i can have hiv if i can be somebody that struggled with not knowing if what their sexuality was or if i if i can like if i can become be honest about all of that all of the dirty stuff that i've shared on.

The show that we don't need to go into right now but if i can be honest about that publicly and live my best life then you can too because ultimately it was the truth that opened up the gates of heaven for me i wasn't rewarded.

For any of it the consequences of my actions of the past are still there you are not free from the consequences of our act we we are not free from the consequences of our actions however i will tell you that the sooner that we are honest about them.

The sooner god can use it for good and that is the point when we unleash our secrets and we share our truth we give god an opportunity to use the things that we have hidden in shame for so long and god will use your truth god will use the things that you're.

Ashamed of god will use the things that you've hurt yourself with that's why testimonies are so powerful and i'm so grateful for ali's courage to share hers and i thank you for being here the secret's not worth keeping you're not protecting anybody in fact you're doing more harm.

To yourself and the people that love you so let it out ladies and gentlemen thank you for being here god bless you and a word for our sponsor you

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